The Good Guide To A Career In The Scottish Mainstream Media
Everyone loves the Scottish mainstream media don't they? When it comes to laughs this mob are almost beyond parody and sometimes the guff they write can really make your day. Fancy giving yourself a laugh? Check out Barry Ferguson's Old Firm Select in the Rancid Record from a few months back. Barry has a place for James Tavernier, Niko Kranjcar and most hilariously of all Joey Barton. Ex Gers captain Barry also omits Moussa Dembele, giving us a glimpse of what the Clyde fans have to suffer whenever this clown picks a team. Barry is one of the more famous recipients of the blue pound and a grateful one at that. Unfortunately the media are not above employing people who have no love for Sevco, and these desperados acceptance of the blue pound makes them appear to have the morals of a Westminster politician. Fancy a job? Let's take a look at five necessities for anyone entering the realms of the alternate dimension known as the Scottish Mainstream Media. As told by the SMSM themselves.
Good old fashioned amnesia pills are a must for any ex Celtic player or supporter dipping their toe into the murky pool of the SMSM. Ties with the famous hoops have to be severed completely upon acceptance of the job and we fully understand the difficulty in doing this, particularly when the emotional chords have been played quite extensively. Have no fear because two of these tablets a day is guranteed to keep the loyalty away, leaving you with no regrets and free to run your former love into the ground at any oppurtunity. All expenses paid of course.
Got a pen and paper? Good because you'll need it. An integral part of this job is the constant updating of the so called hate list. Most of the time our esteemed boss Mr Trainer (sic) decides who shall take pride of place on the list but now and again you are free to add your own names as you wish. Most of the names on the list are people who have crossed the team currently playing out of Ibrox and it must be stated that it doesn't matter if it is the 740th incarnation of Rangers, they must still be added to the list and brought to task. Oh and don't forget to automatically include anyone who writes a pro Celtic online blog or talks about corruption in the Scottish game.
Sometimes it is easy to miss things in plain sight and nowhere is that more true than this career. True that most of the time our beloved Ibrox entity will get soft penalties and it is our job to talk up the undoubtedness of the Brother's decision but now and again Celtic players will find themselves fouled in the box and we must make use of these blindfolds. It doesn't matter if a Celtic player is nearly halved in two, it must not be mentioned. Ensuring that this practice is adhered to is paramount to our pro Ibrox entity agenda and blindfolds must be worn at all times during such incidents.
Her Royal Majesty, this shouldn't have to be stated but please ensure that on your first day you take the time to bring a picture of such an esteemed figure for your desk. We don't care about your views on Independence, Westminster or the Royal Family because this well respected head of state is beloved by our number one customers in the Ibrox Blue Room. Any negativity about this icon will result in instant dismissal and the eventual blacklisting of your name. In short you will never write another article again. There is no need to ask why, the answer to every hard question is simply W.A.T.P. Please revise and remember this phrase because it will come in handy in times of denying plain facts.
An essential weapon in any member of the SMSM's arsenal and a snip to buy from Mr Trainer at a mere £16.90 a tub. Turd Polish is essential when describing the entity out of Ibrox when their performances dip. Wondering how to big up a player signed from Accrington Stanley? Easy with turd polish, Works just as well with any of board member promises or when discussing a lower league English manager taking over an Ibrox based entity.
There you have it Bhoys.
Hail Hail
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